by Catherine Arjet
Hi Everyone! Welcome back to “Ask Catherine,” where I answer any questions you might have for me. This week I’m talking about sex and relationships. Remember, if you want my advice, opinion, or thoughts on anything, you can always ask here.
Q: So my boyfriend won’t have sex with me. We’ve been dating for a year and he’s only slept with me twice. Any advice?
A: In my opinion, this issue stems from a whole bunch of misconceptions our society has about gender and sex, so I’m going to get into those first. We’ve all basically been told our whole lives that all high school- and college-aged boys just want to have lots and lots of sex all the time. From adults telling girls to watch out because “boys only want one thing,” to movies like Superbad and American Pie, we’re constantly bombarded with messages telling us that all red-blooded men over the age of about 13 are always on the lookout for sex.
This is not only damaging to boys who don’t constantly want sex (like your boyfriend, probably), but also for the girl who feels inadequate when boys don’t want to sleep with them. On the boys’ end, it makes the ones who don’t constantly want to have sex feel like there is something wrong with them, or that they’re not “man enough”—which is ridiculous, honestly. We shouldn’t measure a man’s worth by how much sex he has or wants. Everyone is different; everyone has different needs and wants. For the girls, this societal standard makes them feel like they’re doing something wrong if a boy who’s attracted to them doesn’t want to have sex with them at all times. You start to second guess yourself, thinking things like, “Am I not pretty enough? Am I bad in bed? Is he sleeping with someone else he likes more than me? Did I do something wrong?” when really what’s happening is the guy you’re with probably just doesn’t live up to the unrealistic stereotypes we have.
All that being said, I think in your particular case (as in all relationships), open communication is key. If your needs aren’t being met, let him know. If you’ve been together for a year, he probably really cares about you and wants the relationship to work. Bring it up to him in a way where he doesn’t feel like you’re accusing him of anything or attacking him, and make it clear that this is a problem you want to work through together and find a solution that works for both of you. Good luck!