Administration Vows to Vamp up Recruitment of Heavy Drinkers

by Jules Gonsoulin

photo courtesy Millsaps College Flickr

by Jules Gonsoulin

editor in chief

In the college’s most recent move to keep pace with in state competitors such as Ole Miss and Mississippi State, administrators are making a promise to the student body to actively recruit students with better partying resumes, in an effort to boost morale at fraternity houses on Saturday nights.

“This is something that is truly long overdue,” President of the College Robert Pearigen explained in a highly anticipated press conference in late March. “While students with soaring GPAs and ACT scores make for a more academically focused atmosphere, we need to move into the 21st century and really start recruiting some fun-loving kids who can drink at least 11 or 12 beers before calling it a night.”

Pearigen believes recruiting high schoolers who love to party will bring the college into the modern age of recruitment, and make the campus a more enjoyable place to be.

“Picture this: It’s Thursday night, and you’ve got a choice to make. Do you hang out with the guy who got a 30 on his ACT and took dozens of AP classes, or do you rage with the dude who drank a whole flat of Natty Light pretty much every weekend in high school? I know who I’m choosing,” Pearigen explained in an interview.

The Millsaps admissions team is drastically changing the way students visit campus to fit into the new recruitment ideology. Seventeen-year-old applicant Tim Phillips explains that he was welcomed at the front gate by a member of an unnamed fraternity and escorted to that house, where he was offered beer throughout the night.

“They told me it was an integral part of my application process,” Phillips said. “I was like, ‘sounds good to me!’”

Pearigen concluded his press conference by proclaiming, “I want to see this college on the list of the best party schools in the nation. I know we can do it.”

1 Comment on Administration Vows to Vamp up Recruitment of Heavy Drinkers

  1. Wow is this real, this is all the fault of world peace. Who did this, campus is beautiful, now it… It…. it just drunk. No drunk campus should be here, for the sake of the children and the zanyatiphobes. Let us drink honey and agave nectar to became Moses and stop drinkin this liquor to be more like Shania Twain and other Canadians such as Grover Clevland.

    Like

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