by Alex Melnick
World Class Romance Expert
Hey there folks. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time at Millsaps, it’s how to romance. I currently have a boyfriend who lives far away, so I spend a lot of time thinking about great
date spots to seduce/romance at him out. (First tip: Only call “dating” romancing. People love it! Almost as much as they love the word “wooing!”) Here are my top ten favorite spots on where to get to know ya boo! Trust me, I’m a world class romance expert. You don’t even want to know how I got my title. (Probably because I, at one point, dated a guy with nipple rings who worked at Waffle House and wrote me emo poetry which I think he stole from that band HIM. I was 14, I honestly have no idea how old he was, and a year after we broke up, I think I broke his tooth with my skull at a concert. That’s typically how people become romance experts, I think.)
- The Dumpster Behind Campbell’s Bakery
I may be biased here because my first kiss was actually on top of a pile of fishing refuse under a bridge next to the train tracks*, but I think dumpster diving is just the most romantic way to start a date. Dumpsters are actually very romantic spots. For starters, you can eat all the food you find for the actual date. Heeeey free date! Secondly, I once found an intact fully functional record player in a dumpster, and record players will never break up with you. Unlike your partners. Plan for the future, start hoarding things you find in the trash while on the date! You also don’t really have to wear deodorant because surprise, you’re in a dumpster.
- Danny’s (Not Denny’s, which is an important distinction to make. Both are pretty good places to eat, but have massively different standards for the best way to tip your servers.)
I honestly do not know why my boyfriend will not go to this fine bar with me. I once knew of a woman who went to a very nice establishment much like Danny’s in Florida and she said it was one of the nicest dates of her life. I think it was famed bar Rachel’s, but then again I might just be confusing it with Ruth Christie’s, which also is a very nice place to take your date. Either way, if your date’s a dud you can find someone new at Danny’s.
- The Mississippi State Legislature
Just grab a sign and picket, or have your date join you in incomprehensibly screaming at any senator, courthouse official, or janitor you see. Smash the state, nail this date. That’s exactly what Karl Marx said, and he assuredly had many dates.
- Former Editor of the Purple & White Zachary Smith’s living room
Don’t actually go on a date with Zachary, just bring your partner to his living room and refuse to leave. He has Jeopardy on GameCube and it’s awesome. There’s also an evil doll in his bathroom that speaks to you if you enter his bathroom stall in the dark. The couch isn’t bad either.
- At a Rap Show with Dr. Eric Griffin, famed Rap enthusiast and scholar
Dr. “Griff-Graff,” as his rap-scholar peers know him, really loves rap and considers Kanye West the new and better Shakespeare of our generation. Go with him on a journey to “get jiggy with it” down at Soul Wired Café, and listen to his deep ruminations on why Nicki Minaj’s verse in “Monster” may be the most important literary document our species has ever conceived. Please, everyone talk to Dr. Griffin about rap. You will not be disappointed.
- A Senate Meeting with President Trey Vernaci
One day, Trey will marry me. Until I claim my rightful place as his first lady, I can think of nothing more erotic than watching Trey reign over SBA with my partner at hand. Nothing. Your date will swoon, you’ll swoon, I’ll probably try to fight you for swooning over my man… it’ll be a great time for everyone.
- The Wesson Health Center
It does have free Lifestyle Condoms after all.
- Days Inn or any Motel 6
I’ve actually spent many a night in these fine establishments, some of them romantic nights
and some of them nights with me fighting with the bartender about playing “Free Bird” and then getting thrown out of a wedding. Either way, there was romance in the air—it just wasn’t always mine. There’s hot tubs, free soap and food that probably has passed food inspection tests. Sounds like a great date to me.
- Filling Up the Potholes of Jackson
A great date can happen anywhere! Even all over the roads of Jackson! Bond with your partner as you work to make Jackson better! Bonus: There are so many that you probably have potholes for dates for many years after the initial one. Get married in a pothole. Live in the pothole. Die in the pothole. (Don’t get buried in the pothole, that’s weird.)
- With Dean Katz
That man is dreamy. Just ditch your partner and take him out to dinner, leader & scholar.
*This actually isn’t an April Fool’s Day joke, this was just my life at that point for some reason.