Corndog Carnage: Ecological Disaster, Sex Scandal?

by Liz Allen

by Liz Allen
Friday+Saturday editor

A recent truck spill on the interstate near Shreveport, La., which unleashed approximately 70,000 corndogs, has sparked widely varying responses. The event has been dubbed the biggest sausage fest since the signing of the Declaration of Independence. The spill has also been called the biggest ecological disaster of our times, a blessing, a plague and more.

While some liken the outpouring of prepackaged battered meat to the Deepwater Horizon spill of 2011, many other residents have seen it as a blessing, a modern manna. Locals have been flocking to the spilled corndogs, capitalizing on a free food. However, one man sees this overabundance as the true plague. Just as it has recently come to light that Gulf coast fish have been left with heart problems since the Deepwater Horizon spill, this is nothing compared to the health problems experienced in the last week alone. A local resident complained of extreme heartburn and health issues after eating the corndogs for every meal since the fateful spill occurred.

Another resident and corndog carnage victim viewed the entire event and subsequent health effects as symbolic of the patriarchal oppression. “Isn’t it enough that we are surrounded by phallocentricism in society—now it has to come and cover our streets?!” the angry victim exclaimed, “It all goes to show how patriarchy and phallocentric society are poisoning us … LITERALLY.”

Many questions still revolve around the corndogs, such as: Where were they going? Who sent them? There is speculation that the entire truckload is part of a sex scandal. As politicians move away from social media sexting, which as Anthony Weiner [sic] illuminated, can be easily traced and brought to public attention, they have shifted to more euphemistic modes of showing off their own “corndogs” to a wider audience. This is where the truck of corndogs comes in. Residents found it curious that all of the sticks included a phone number and different messages, such as, “Like what you see? Then call me maybe.”

Some residents have not been nearly as concerned about the scandal, or the ecological problems from it. Instead, they have met the opportunity rejoicing. One bystander exclaimed, “There may be plenty of other fish in the sea, but there are literally 70,000 corndogs on the road!” Another thrilled resident stated, “Why bother with someone who can’t even bring home the bacon when the sausage is free for the taking?” as they rapidly shoveled the spilled corndogs into a bag.

Is it manna from God or an unholy flood? Is it patriarchy personified? Is it Weinergate 2014? It may be all of these, but the ultimate lesson is be wary of corndogs.

***While this article is written satirically, the Corndog spillage did actually occur.

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