by Garrett Coble
We’ve gotten soft.
Men around America have become soft. We have lost that fundamental brawn that one gets from living every day on the cusp of death. I guarantee the pioneers didn’t occupy their day deciding between two variations of “diet” soda as they sculpted this country from the wilderness using only their bare hands. Our grandparents didn’t have time to count calories and participate in Crossfit; they were too busy protecting our bald eagles and our country from those damn Red Commies. Do you think Teddy Roosevelt worried over ruining his pedicure before he charged up San Juan with only his mustache as a weapon?
Sorry, I got off topic. My point is we’ve lost our manliness, and David Barry agrees, as you can see here. Barry has composed a “Manliness Manifesto” to educate today’s struggling men. However, I do not believe this a task one man can tackle alone, so I intend to provide further instruction on how to react to typical daily tasks with an appropriate level of masculinity.
Further Things Every Man Should Know
How to Navigate
- Select your destination. Weigh the pros and cons of the situation, asking yourself, “Is it worth listening to my significant other ask if I even know where I’m going?”
- Take in the natural scenery as you cruise down the appropriate highway—if you are not cruising, you likely forgot to start the car and shift into gear. Classic rookie mistake.
- As the locales begin to become strange and unrecognizable, ask yourself if you even know where you are going. Continue to comment on the scenery to paint a picture of familiarity to stave off questions as long as possible.
- After circling the same route a minimum of four times, locate the North Star and begin spewing nonsense you remember from your days as a boy scout. If no stars are present, it is likely due to cloud cover. Resort to a GPS.
- If you actually resorted to using a GPS, you’ve revealed a lack of manliness. Did Lewis and Clark use a Garmin to find their way to the Pacific? No, and neither should you. Consider giving up the wheel to another driver and stopping at the nearest liquor store to buy cheap bourbon to chug. It is a desperate bid to regain your masculinity, but it is better than nothing.
How to Order a Drink
- Decide on the general type of drink you want. Acceptable choices include scotch, bourbon, whiskey, firewater (not Fireball), rotgut or, for a more relaxed evening, Moonshine. Acceptable colors include brown, dark brown, darker brown and even darker brown. Remember, clear liquors are for rich women on diets, unless said liquors are Everclear or clear Shine.
- Decide on what flavor of whiskey you want.
- The above was a trick question. Whiskey should only taste like whiskey. Find the nearest bear and wrestle it to the death as penance.
- Find an appropriate glass to pour your whiskey in. If your whiskey feels warm, you likely forgot to put ice cubes in the glass, which really should have been step 3.5. For the inexperienced man, pour one part water into the cup as well to serve as a mixer.
- Obtain a copy of any Ernest Hemmingway book and take a drink for every one the characters take. This will not only help cultivate an appropriate state of mind to enjoy your dark slice of heaven, it will also expand your literary knowledge.
Note: If you feel a distinct lack of whiskey entering your mouth when attempting to take a drink, the glass is likely empty. This is a completely normal scenario. Return to step 2 and repeat the above process.
How to Text a Woman
- Assuming you’ve obtained a woman’s number, set your phone down on a hard, sturdy surface. Grab a nearby hammer and smash your phone. Contemplate the ridiculousness of “texting” and “talking” while you clean the mess. Disregard the glass shards in your hand.
- Go to the nearest store and obtain a quill and some paper, preferably parchment. If these supplies prove difficult to find, settle for a typewriter.
- Return to your newly acquired Hemmingway books from the previous example. Read Hemmingway’s choppy, minimalist sentences and revel in their brevity and beauty. Find a scratch pad of parchment and attempt to mimic his writing style. This works best after completing all the steps of “How to Make a Drink” a minimum of seven times.
- Write the letter itself. Never admit to any sorts of feelings (other than possibly hung-over), especially in relation to her. Talk about your latest attempts at navigation or your favorite whiskey-to-water ratio. Other possible topics include the current geopolitical climate and the beauty of whittling.
- After finishing the letter, seal it and prepare to send it to the recipient. Delivery is important, so securing the correct method of transport is vital. Capture and befriend a wild carrier pigeon. If, during the befriending process the “pigeon” begins attacking you, you’ve likely grabbed a bird of prey by mistake. Flee the scene quickly, unless said bird is an eagle. In this case, salute the beauty of its onslaught of claws.
- Do not attempt to deliver the letter yourself. After all, the first scenario proved you can’t navigate.
- Should a face-to-face date fail to arise from the correspondence, do not continue correspondence beyond one written reply. If she requires more than one response letter to express hers interests and intentions, steer clear. Brevity is key.
How to Take a Selfie
How to Schedule a Pedicure
- See: How to Take a Selfie, step 1.
I sincerely hope this advice has set you down the path towards masculinity. Remember, like forest fires, only you can fight the decay of masculinity. The path ahead may be long, but without struggle, there can be no progress.