by Drew Giudice
I’m in love. She’s older; call me a cougar hunter if you must. I’m only 23 and she turns 81 in a few months. We don’t get to spend much quality time together, only enjoying each other’s company on Saturdays. Sometimes I get lucky and she calls me on a Thursday night. Other than that, I’m forced to see what they’re saying about her on TV and the Internet during the week. Don’t get me started on the eight months of every year she plays hard to get; she finally gives in to my incessant requests in late August or early September. I’m obviously referring to the Southeastern Conference and their smokin’-hot-homecoming-queen-cheerleader of a daughter, Football. Let’s just say a lot of talent runs in the family; mom and dad blessed her with some great genes.
There’s this other girl who annoys the hell out of me. She just happens to be every guy’s least favorite type. How do I put this? She thinks she’s better than she really is. I’m staring at you, Atlantic Coast Conference.
The SEC and the ACC have been going at it for six decades now. Geography makes it even more fun with rivalries such as South Carolina-Clemson, Georgia-Georgia Tech and Florida-Florida State (Kentucky-Louisville becomes an SEC-ACC game next season). Early this season, I’ve heard questions about whether the gap between the two is as wide as it once was. I will fight tooth and nail to defend my main girl’s honor atop the pantheon of college football.
You know what Southeastern has that Atlantic Coast doesn’t? Depth. The SEC’s sixth and seventh best teams are regularly in the Top 20 of the polls (see Ole Miss and Florida right now). Sure, ACC, you have your good days where you actually look presentable (see Florida State, Clemson and Miami). But you’re inconsistent. Behind that sexy exterior is a box of rocks between the ears. The SEC is not only gorgeous; she’s majoring in neuroscience and volunteers her free time teaching orphaned children how to read. The ACC is the girl you mess around with but don’t let the family meet. The SEC is the girl you take home to mom with a ring on the finger. The ACC is Snooki, the SEC is Rachel McAdams in “Wedding Crashers.”
Go ahead, remind me that Miami beat Florida or Clemson beat Georgia. I don’t care. That’s like your dream girl having too much to drink at the bar then puking as soon as you two stumble out of the cab. Yeah, it’s awkward the next time you see her. But you know you’ll be asking her out again. At least I would.